The Hidden Pillar of Parenting: Why Patience Alone Is Not Enough - Session 2
Strengthening Guardianship in the Home
How combining resilience with gratitude creates a secure and successful future for your children.
The Secret Ingredient: Patience Infused with Gratitude
We often hear that patience is the most critical trait for parents to cultivate to raise a strong character in their children. However, patience alone is insufficient; it must be accompanied by a state of satisfaction and gratitude. If a parent is patient but internally grumpy, depressed, or constantly complaining, this “patience” will not have a positive effect—in fact, it may leave a negative impact.
For a child to become successful—not just religious, but successful in life and studies—they need to witness a specific combination in their parents: Patience and Thanksgiving (Shukr). The most powerful lesson a child learns is seeing their mother or father endure hardship yet still manage to smile and say, “Thank God”.
The Psychological Impact of Complaining
Psychologically, when a mother or father constantly complains or grumbles in front of their children, it creates deep-seated mental health issues. It instills a sense of negativity and “black-seeing” (pessimism) regarding the world that is difficult to remove from the child’s heart.
A mother might complain about a hardship and forget about it two hours later, but that complaint can remain in the child’s mind for twenty years. It creates a permanent sense of insecurity. A child raised in an environment of ingratitude becomes hopeless, quick to judge others negatively, and unable to see the good in the world.
The Danger of “Us vs. Them”: From Family to Society
Polarization—creating a “two-pole” or “us vs. them” dynamic—is destructive, whether in the home or in society. In the family, nothing destroys a child faster than parents fighting and trying to pull the child to “their side” against the other parent.
This dynamic mirrors societal problems. When political factions focus on destroying each other to win votes, rather than highlighting positive attributes, it creates a culture of hypocrisy and ingratitude. The speaker recounts a historical event where the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) was deeply angered by an attempt to polarize the community into “Migrants” vs. “Helpers,” viewing such division as a severe threat to the community’s integrity. Just as polarization hurts society, a lack of unity and gratitude between parents shatters the peace of the home.
The Power of Mutual Respect
The most excellent form of upbringing occurs when parents validate one another in front of the children. Children are perceptive; they will eventually figure out their parents’ faults on their own. They do not need a parent to list them.
If a mother tells her children, “Your father is wonderful” (even if he has faults), the children blossom.
For Women: Religious teachings suggest that a “sharp tongue” or bad language in the home is a severe spiritual flaw, potentially more damaging to the family structure than other external faults.
For Men: A lack of kindness and affection toward their wives is a major failing. Men who grow up to be abusive or disrespectful often come from homes where the father showed no affection to the mother.
The Ultimate Standard: The Perspective of Zaynab
To understand the pinnacle of patience and gratitude, we look to the example of Zaynab (peace be upon her) after the tragedy of Karbala. Despite facing the greatest grief—the loss of her brother Imam Husayn and her family—when the tyrant Ibn Ziyad tried to mock her by asking how she saw God’s action, she replied: “I saw nothing but beauty”.
She did not complain. She began her speech with praise for God before condemning the tyrant. This is the ultimate “positive thinking” rooted in deep faith. Her ability to see the beauty of God’s will, even while surrounded by tragedy, is the highest form of resilience. For parents today, cultivating even a fraction of this “grateful patience” can transform the atmosphere of their homes from one of anxiety to one of spiritual strength.
Original Audio (Farsi) - Official Website of Shaykh Ali Reza Panahian